Love, Tom

I recently celebrated my 22nd birthday. Most can probably relate with me when I talk about being asked the all to familiar line of "So, do you feel older today?" I have probably answered like many of you this question with a quick "Nope, feel the same as I did yesterday."

Interesting how in one day our age can change from 21 to 22, 7 to 8, 12 to 13 or from 44 to 45. But it isn't really the number that makes the difference, it isn't even the amount of time in between the one January 19 to the next January 19. It is the events that happen between those dates that make the difference. The struggles you've experienced, the conflict you've endured, the triumph you've enjoyed, or even the loss you've grieved. All these things play into our year and age causing one year to possibly feel longer or shorter than another.

So when I was asked this year if I felt older on my 22nd birthday I answered like I normally would, by saying "Nope, feel the same as I did yesterday." Because truthfully I did. Between January 18th and 19th I didn't change much. But then I began thinking where I was a year prior, oh man what a year! I felt like I had lived 21 three times over in that one year.

Seizures, drugs, surgery cancellations, surgery, surgery recovery, more drugs, seizures, recovery from the knowledge that surgery was unsuccessful, pursuing an amazing woman, applying to school in BC, more seizures, withdrawing my application to school in BC cause of seizures, dating, seizures, different drugs, MAYO clinic, disappointment, getting engaged, seizures, Neurologist leaveing to Calgary, planning a wedding, seizures, Natropath, even more seizures,...BAH! Throw some bouts of rage, a broken bedside table, many tears, and a Mother who hates to see her son like this in there and you have a good idea of what 21 was like.

During my year at Kaleo I was nicknamed Tom "struggle" Bietz. I used to like the nickname, now I hate it! I hate what my epilepsy is doing to the my family, to my friends, to me. It was bad enough a year ago hearing my mom cry out to God asking him stop these seizures "God you have the power to stop this, why don't you do it!" Now I have two women in my life who love me crying to God on my behalf and it kills me. I hear them as I am seizing "ok God, it has been long enough now, you can bring him back." I continue to seize "OK GOD! You can stop this now, You have the power to stop this." Seizing continues "GOD! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! BRING TOM BACK TO US!"

Where have there prayers gone? Have they fallen upon deaf ears, must have because they sure aren't being heard by a loving Father. God where are you? What is your plan? What's going on? I love you so much, but am so confused at the same time.

I read a letter written to God by a 7 year old that I feet summarizes my thoughts right now pretty well.

Dear God,

I hate You

Love, Tom