The Flop, The Turn, and The River

Motivation?  What a foreign concept.  You would much rather stay in bed today, in fact most days it is easier to stay in bed.  Why face the world when you can sleep through it?  Loneliness is your friend, apathy your brother, lethargy your sister.  What is the point?  Why do you do anything?  You can't stand being asked "How are you doing?"   These days it is so much easier to lie and through out a "I'm fine", nobody really cares anyways.  It would be so much easier if you just ceased to exist.  It seems DEPRESSION has come out in the FLOP.

Your vision is blurred, time does not exist, nor words make sense.  You have just been told "It's cancer".  Your past doesn't flash before your eyes, more so your future.  All the things that you may have experienced have now in two words been stolen from you.  Why so soon?  Why you?  What have you done wrong? How did this....  Why have....what...  when will...why...  Why...  WHY!?  Questions with no answers spread through your mind like the very cancer that has spread from your colon to your liver, continuing to your kidneys.  CANCER has revealed itself in the TURN.

Your lying on the floor, breathing heavy, you feel the sweat that has accumulated on your shirt.  You are in an unfamiliar place with many unfamiliar people.  You know exactly what has happened.  Here, really?  Of all places why now?  Why here?  You still can't see anything, the only thing you can do is hear.  You hear your thoughts, you feel your lungs gasping for air, and you hear a woman's voice praying to God.  This woman's voice is so comforting.  Among all the unfamiliar people you concentrate on this one voice.  "God please, you can stop this, you have the power to stop this bring him back"  As comforting as this voice is you wish so dearly that she didn't have to sound so desperate and sad.  As your eyes finally open, you realize this person is you.  I am lying on the ground, breathing heavily, listening to my beautiful fiance's voice.  I am at a friends wedding reception.  I know that this is now my second seizure of the evening, and these sounds and feelings I have pretty much memorized as EPILEPSY has come down the RIVER.

We all have our issues, our battles, struggles, and hardships.  Mine is no different, we have all asked that question of "why?"  Some of us can't get past it, others have defied the odds and moved on from the hopeless pursuit of an unanswerable question.

I have found that these days I do not worry about the "why" anymore.  For if you trust that God's plan is perfect, that he is sovereign, and that he knows best...  Than the answer however helpful it may be is truly a luxury and not a necessity.  If we turn our "whys" into "whats" we will find that we are drawn closer than ever to our heavenly Daddy.

The past couple months have been hard.  They have also been incredibly enlightening and educational not just for me but also for Alyssa.  We traveled out to Calgary to go to Jon and Emma's wedding which was beautiful.  However at the reception I had two seizures, later that night I had a third, the next morning I had another, than in the afternoon as Alyssa, my brother, his wife Nicole, and I were walking down a fairly steep path to a climbing crag I had another.  Finally that evening as we were setting up camp i had another.  Six in two days is definitely a record for me.

My drugs aren't working, a diet doesn't seem to help, surgery didn't work...  Why is this happening to me?  Why is God doing this?  NO!  I refuse to think like that.  WHAT is God teaching me through this, what is he teaching Alyssa, my beautiful bride to be who has to worry alla the time about me having a seizure.  She also has to sit there as I have them, comforting me finding strength only from God because she on her own has nothing left.


I can't explain how thankful I am that God has blessed me with this woman.  I still sometimes don't understand why she has stuck it out with a guy who is so reliant on other people.  But I won't ask question, just keep praising God for my best friend. 

It's such an incredible thing to be brought low.  Alyssa and I began our relationship with a similar desire.  We each wanted to be as close to God as we possibly could.  If that meant we would be together than awesome, if that meant we were to go our separate ways, than so be it.  Now we see that my seizures have brought both of us closer to God.  It has been incredible to see the way that God has governed my seizures for good.  He has brought Alyssa and I into such a low place where we have no choice but to turn to Him.  His grace is truly sufficient. 

In pre-marriage counseling the pastor who is marrying us (Donavan Friesen) asked us to think about something.  "I wonder...I wonder what God is preparing you for?"  I had never thought that I was being prepared for something.  "I wonder what your going to have to go through in the future that God needs to build your character up so much?" 

Alyssa and I have begun to wonder to.  We are wondering what is in store for us, what does God have in store for us that requires us to be broken so extravagantly, to build our trust so intensely, and to rid our doubt so thoroughly?  Hm.  Alyssa and I continue to say after every seizure and hardship we face that we are on an ADVENTURE, one that God is leading, and one that we can be oh so excited for.

My prayer for you brothers and sisters, wherever you are in life, whatever you are facing.  Be Content (Philippians 4:11-13) When you are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).  

Love, Tom

I recently celebrated my 22nd birthday. Most can probably relate with me when I talk about being asked the all to familiar line of "So, do you feel older today?" I have probably answered like many of you this question with a quick "Nope, feel the same as I did yesterday."

Interesting how in one day our age can change from 21 to 22, 7 to 8, 12 to 13 or from 44 to 45. But it isn't really the number that makes the difference, it isn't even the amount of time in between the one January 19 to the next January 19. It is the events that happen between those dates that make the difference. The struggles you've experienced, the conflict you've endured, the triumph you've enjoyed, or even the loss you've grieved. All these things play into our year and age causing one year to possibly feel longer or shorter than another.

So when I was asked this year if I felt older on my 22nd birthday I answered like I normally would, by saying "Nope, feel the same as I did yesterday." Because truthfully I did. Between January 18th and 19th I didn't change much. But then I began thinking where I was a year prior, oh man what a year! I felt like I had lived 21 three times over in that one year.

Seizures, drugs, surgery cancellations, surgery, surgery recovery, more drugs, seizures, recovery from the knowledge that surgery was unsuccessful, pursuing an amazing woman, applying to school in BC, more seizures, withdrawing my application to school in BC cause of seizures, dating, seizures, different drugs, MAYO clinic, disappointment, getting engaged, seizures, Neurologist leaveing to Calgary, planning a wedding, seizures, Natropath, even more seizures,...BAH! Throw some bouts of rage, a broken bedside table, many tears, and a Mother who hates to see her son like this in there and you have a good idea of what 21 was like.

During my year at Kaleo I was nicknamed Tom "struggle" Bietz. I used to like the nickname, now I hate it! I hate what my epilepsy is doing to the my family, to my friends, to me. It was bad enough a year ago hearing my mom cry out to God asking him stop these seizures "God you have the power to stop this, why don't you do it!" Now I have two women in my life who love me crying to God on my behalf and it kills me. I hear them as I am seizing "ok God, it has been long enough now, you can bring him back." I continue to seize "OK GOD! You can stop this now, You have the power to stop this." Seizing continues "GOD! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! BRING TOM BACK TO US!"

Where have there prayers gone? Have they fallen upon deaf ears, must have because they sure aren't being heard by a loving Father. God where are you? What is your plan? What's going on? I love you so much, but am so confused at the same time.

I read a letter written to God by a 7 year old that I feet summarizes my thoughts right now pretty well.

Dear God,

I hate You

Love, Tom

Surrender If You Mean It

I haven't posted in a while mainly because I wanted to have news, perhaps even an exciting story to tell. I really wanted to wait until after my brain surgery, whether I was expecting to be able to headline a post by saying "GLORY TO GOD FOR I AM HEALED!" or maybe I was waiting to say "MY HOPE IS GONE: I WILL NOW CURSE GOD AND DIE." Either way I am not going to post either. At least not yet anyways.

I watched this episode of the Office the other day and this quote made me laugh.

"Michael: If she's engaged, I'm going to go crazy, and I'm going to start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I might just burn this whole place down to the ground out of happiness. Either way I am going to need some talking down, and nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down."

I might not be making a video but I figure putting my thoughts down in words might just do the job to either lift me up in the future or tear me down.

A large amount of people have been asking me lately "How are you feeling?" I am not sure I have been able to answer that question with 100% honesty to anyone. Because the truth is I don't even know how I'm feeling. You might as well ask me what the purpose of life is because I'm just as close to knowing the answer to that as I am of knowing the answer to how I am doing.

So I'm going to ask myself a different question, instead of "how are you feeling?" I'm going to ask "What do you know?"

Here is what I know:
1) After the first week of February I will have begun a new chapter in my life. Whether it will be good in my eyes or not I do not know.

2) I know what my desires are, but are they the same as Gods. "Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

3) Gods plan is good, no matter what. "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him." So if surgery is not successful I need to understand and believe that God (not myself) knows what is best. "Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?" I hope and pray that God shows me mercy.

4) Right now I am not sure if I truly believe that God is enough. I say I do but how can I know unless I'm put to the test? If I need to learn through weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities that Gods grace is sufficient, then so be it. But I know it will not be with my own strength.

My worship team was playing a couple Sundays ago and we sang Surrender. I love this song but I really struggle with it because I'm not sure if I truly live what the lyrics are saying.

"I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride"

Have I given God my dreams? my rights? my pride?

"And I Surrender, All to You, all to You"

Have I surrendered all? Have I surrendered everything to God?

The only way I can sing this song is if I sing it as a prayer to God. A prayer that I might someday be in a place where I can say "God I have surrendered without exception my life to you."

May God's will be done with my surgery and with my life. May his Grace be sufficient and may I someday be able to sing I Surrender with a sincere heart.

Illusive Ideologies

All I can see is black, is this a dream? what has just happened? I'm surrounded by darkness and all I can hear is my own breathing, gasp, exhale, gasp. exhale. My eyes slowly open, it takes a couple minutes for my eyes to focus. I'm lying on the floor of my basement, but i can't move my body I feel paralyzed, gasp...exhale, gasp...exhale. My sense of feeling is slowly coming back, but my whole body it, it feels so exhausted. Gasp...exhale. I try to move my arm but it feels like it weighs thirty pounds more than it should. gasp...exhale, I'm so tired, maybe I'll just close my eyes and try to sleep, gasp...exhale, Ouch! that is not going to work the only thing closing my eyes does is make the jackhammer in my head seem louder. gasp......exhale, Man what I would give for a sip of water right now, if only I had the energy to get up, gasp. . . exhale. My stomach is really upset I truly hope I don't throw-up, gasp. . . . . . exhale, gasp. . . . . exhale, well at least I'm almost breathing normally now.

These seizures which I have been battling for the last decade of my life have been dormant for a little over a year and they have now returned with authority and passion, allotting me the knowledge that they are in charge. And the experience I described above has become quite familiar to me in the last four weeks, 8 times to be exact. Although sometimes I wake up at work, sometimes on the bike path on the way home from work, or even in the vehicle on the way home from work.

This recent development in my life has led to many questions, thoughts, and reflections. One thing I often think about is all the things my epilepsy has prevented me from doing and the things that it will prevent me from doing in the future.

Here is a simplified list of goals or dreams in my past that have been affected:

-Graduate High school, this goal I achieved but it wasn't made any easier because of the depression I had to deal with due to meds I was taking for seizures.

Life went on...

-obtain divers license, DENIED! sorry but you were only seizure free for 11 months when you really you need to be free for 12

Life went on...

-obtain drivers license (pt. 2) Yay! look mom I did it! 3 months later DENIED! you have had a seizure and so you are no longer fit to hold a license.

Life went on...

-obtain drivers license (pt. 3) DENIED! I guess some would say I blew myself prematurely as I had a seizure two days before my year was up.

Life went on...

-Work at Frontier Lodge, Good times during the day, seizure times at night. I guess you could call me Dr. Beats and Mr. shakey-shakes

Life went on...

-Obtain drivers license (pt. 4) Look ma! I got it again, this time it's gunna be for real! DENIED! five days is just long enough to give you a taste for something you`ll never have.

Life still went on and at this point and continues to, but the seizures haven't stopped.

If any of that made sense to you what I was trying to get across was that throughout my life I have always had certain hopes, and specific dreams. I felt that if I could just obtain that dream than everything would get better. I think a lot of us are this way we say "yeah life is crappy right now but once I move out it'll be all good," or "I can't wait to find a spouse because once I do that then life will be good." or "Once I get this promotion at work life will be easier". We put so much thought into these ideologies that we begin to rely on them. We are never content with where we are because we are always looking for something to satisfy us, someway to grasp contentment.

I was doing the same thing, I felt that once I got my driver's license then I would have independence, and freedom, I would no longer be a burden on anyone, Champagne would fall from the skies, the rivers would flow with honey and our streets would be covered in gold. Life would somehow magically become perfect for me. What a lie! We are told in Matthew to store our treasures not here on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But to store our treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. When I look for joy in such a worldly thing as a drivers license my treasure is stored here on earth.

I'm not saying that these things that we look forward to in this life are bad, no in fact a lot of them are great things. It is fantastic if you find a significant other that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it is a great accomplishment if you are committed to a job long enough to get a raise or promotion. But when we make these things our "treasures", our sources for joy and contentment. Then we have a problem because they will not bring you that. If you do not have joy being single, chances are you won't have it being in a relationship. If you do not have joy working the job your at right now, chances are you won't find it at the next job you find.

This is because we do not obtain joy from people, jobs, or accomplishments. We find our joy in God and God alone.

In Paul's letter to Philippi, we see him telling these people to rejoice in the Lord. How crazy is it to think that Paul, sitting in prison with a possibility of execution tells the Philippians to rejoice in the Lord? "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. "

We cannot depend on dreams of this world to bring us joy. Our joy is found in God and God alone. For the joy of the Lord is our strength, something I easily forget.



Life went on, seizures haven't stopped, but a joy in the Lord is found.

Filled with Songs of Forever

"My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don't belong here, I'll never
Call this place my home, I'm just passing through"
-Dustin Kenrue

Recently a close friend of mine lost her father after a three month battle to cancer. These experiences often lead us to ask the question of "why". Why did this person have to die? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why isn't life full of sunshine and rainbows? These are questions that nobody has ever been able to avoid, and the hardest thing is that no matter how long we think about them we will never be able to come up with an answer. What the majority of us need to be reminded of is that"...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" -Romans 8:28.

With this verse in my head we I move on from the question of "why" to the question of "where". This may seem like an odd question but the more I have sought after an answer the more important I believe it to be.

If someone was planning a trip, would you not research your destination before you left? I find it very unlikely for one to travel to Argentina not having found out what the weather is like, or the terrain, the language, the people, the food, the currency. In the same way, we as God loving people are planning to go to heaven after this life, is it not right to find out whatever we can about Heaven? To get excited about it, to anticipate it? If God didn't want us to know about Heaven I do not think he would have told us so much about it.
Whenever someone tells me that Heaven is going to be greater than anything I can imagine, they might believe they are encouraging me but really they are just discouraging me. I do not want to hear about the never-ending sing-along in the sky, one great hymn after another, forever and ever, amen. My father died 13 years ago and I think my mom said it best "if heaven is just singing hymns one after another, I feel so sorry for your father because he hated to sing."

"Every pleasurable experience we know about life on Earth we have experienced through our senses. So, when Heaven is portrayed as beyond the reach of our senses, it doesn't invite us, instead it alienates and even frightens us. Our misguided attempts to make Heaven sound spiritual (non-physical) merely succeed in making Heaven sound unappealing." -Randy Alcorn

As human beings, God created us to be both physical and spiritual. We are not created to dwell in a non-physical state. In the same way God did not create us with a desire to eat gravel. When we try to acquire a desire for a disembodied existence in a non-physical heaven it is like trying to develop an appetite for gravel. No matter how hard we try we will not be able to succeed in gaining an appetite for gravel. What God did give us a desire for is a resurrected life, in a resurrected body, with the resurrected Christ, on a resurrected Earth.


I am not looking forward to dancing and singing in the clouds when I die. I am looking forward to doing a lot of the same things I enjoy here on Earth, I look forward to hiking mountains and biking trails, to climbing cliffs and paddling rivers. I look forward to enjoying God's New Creation to the fullest because that is how he will be glorified. That is a heaven I can get excited for, one that can keep me up at night because I'm giddy with excitement.


I feel that C.S. Lewis captures this excitement perfectly in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Lucy, Edmund, Eustace, and Reepicheep have gone as far as they can in their boat, they are seeing beyond the end of the world into Aslan's country and it is time for Reepicheep to paddle the rest of the voyage alone "Then he[Reepicheep] bade them good-bye, trying to be sad for their sakes; but he was quivering with happiness."

How I hope that we can all quiver in happiness.

MAKE WAR!

I listened to this sermon by Jon Piper called "How to kill Sin, pt. 2" and it had some extremely challenging words that have been echoing in my mind for the last little while. One line that really stuck out in my mind was "Nobody goes to hell because of Satan, we go to hell because of sin...my biggest enemy is not Satan, my biggest enemy is Jon Piper...he[Jon Piper] is the only reason I will go to hell...Satan doesn't have the power to send me[Jon Piper] to hell".

I don't want to explain the whole sermon because Jon Piper is much better with words than I am but he does go on to say that too many Christians are at "peace" when really we should be making war against the unrighteousness that is in ourselves.

Only Time?

Been listening to a lot of Enya lately, haven't been sleeping much either. This combination results in more thoughts than my mind can handle. I think this is best described as the kaleidoscope effect. My thoughts play the part of the million different colors and patterns and my mind takes the role as an eye that cannot close or pull away from the kaleidoscope. The outcome of this is a very tired eye, and occasional vomiting.

One Enya song called "Only Time" continuously asks the question of "who can say?", who can say where the road goes, if your love grows, why your heart sighs, why your heart cries,...etc. And the song ends by answering "only time". I guess one could say that this song could be summarized by saying of "Only time will tell". As much as I use that saying myself and thoroughly enjoy the song, I can't help but think that there must be more truth to life than "time will tell".

In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul talks about things that will pass away. How prophecies will cease, how tongues will be stilled, and knowledge will pass away. The answer of "time will tell" may be adequate for these things. But what about things that are beyond time? How can an answer speak truth about something it knows not? "time will tell" nothing of faith, of hope, and of Love. For these things will remain after all else have fallen away. I think Enya should make a new song called "Only Love" for it would be in that song that truth would be sung.