Illusive Ideologies

All I can see is black, is this a dream? what has just happened? I'm surrounded by darkness and all I can hear is my own breathing, gasp, exhale, gasp. exhale. My eyes slowly open, it takes a couple minutes for my eyes to focus. I'm lying on the floor of my basement, but i can't move my body I feel paralyzed, gasp...exhale, gasp...exhale. My sense of feeling is slowly coming back, but my whole body it, it feels so exhausted. Gasp...exhale. I try to move my arm but it feels like it weighs thirty pounds more than it should. gasp...exhale, I'm so tired, maybe I'll just close my eyes and try to sleep, gasp...exhale, Ouch! that is not going to work the only thing closing my eyes does is make the jackhammer in my head seem louder. gasp......exhale, Man what I would give for a sip of water right now, if only I had the energy to get up, gasp. . . exhale. My stomach is really upset I truly hope I don't throw-up, gasp. . . . . . exhale, gasp. . . . . exhale, well at least I'm almost breathing normally now.

These seizures which I have been battling for the last decade of my life have been dormant for a little over a year and they have now returned with authority and passion, allotting me the knowledge that they are in charge. And the experience I described above has become quite familiar to me in the last four weeks, 8 times to be exact. Although sometimes I wake up at work, sometimes on the bike path on the way home from work, or even in the vehicle on the way home from work.

This recent development in my life has led to many questions, thoughts, and reflections. One thing I often think about is all the things my epilepsy has prevented me from doing and the things that it will prevent me from doing in the future.

Here is a simplified list of goals or dreams in my past that have been affected:

-Graduate High school, this goal I achieved but it wasn't made any easier because of the depression I had to deal with due to meds I was taking for seizures.

Life went on...

-obtain divers license, DENIED! sorry but you were only seizure free for 11 months when you really you need to be free for 12

Life went on...

-obtain drivers license (pt. 2) Yay! look mom I did it! 3 months later DENIED! you have had a seizure and so you are no longer fit to hold a license.

Life went on...

-obtain drivers license (pt. 3) DENIED! I guess some would say I blew myself prematurely as I had a seizure two days before my year was up.

Life went on...

-Work at Frontier Lodge, Good times during the day, seizure times at night. I guess you could call me Dr. Beats and Mr. shakey-shakes

Life went on...

-Obtain drivers license (pt. 4) Look ma! I got it again, this time it's gunna be for real! DENIED! five days is just long enough to give you a taste for something you`ll never have.

Life still went on and at this point and continues to, but the seizures haven't stopped.

If any of that made sense to you what I was trying to get across was that throughout my life I have always had certain hopes, and specific dreams. I felt that if I could just obtain that dream than everything would get better. I think a lot of us are this way we say "yeah life is crappy right now but once I move out it'll be all good," or "I can't wait to find a spouse because once I do that then life will be good." or "Once I get this promotion at work life will be easier". We put so much thought into these ideologies that we begin to rely on them. We are never content with where we are because we are always looking for something to satisfy us, someway to grasp contentment.

I was doing the same thing, I felt that once I got my driver's license then I would have independence, and freedom, I would no longer be a burden on anyone, Champagne would fall from the skies, the rivers would flow with honey and our streets would be covered in gold. Life would somehow magically become perfect for me. What a lie! We are told in Matthew to store our treasures not here on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But to store our treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. When I look for joy in such a worldly thing as a drivers license my treasure is stored here on earth.

I'm not saying that these things that we look forward to in this life are bad, no in fact a lot of them are great things. It is fantastic if you find a significant other that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it is a great accomplishment if you are committed to a job long enough to get a raise or promotion. But when we make these things our "treasures", our sources for joy and contentment. Then we have a problem because they will not bring you that. If you do not have joy being single, chances are you won't have it being in a relationship. If you do not have joy working the job your at right now, chances are you won't find it at the next job you find.

This is because we do not obtain joy from people, jobs, or accomplishments. We find our joy in God and God alone.

In Paul's letter to Philippi, we see him telling these people to rejoice in the Lord. How crazy is it to think that Paul, sitting in prison with a possibility of execution tells the Philippians to rejoice in the Lord? "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. "

We cannot depend on dreams of this world to bring us joy. Our joy is found in God and God alone. For the joy of the Lord is our strength, something I easily forget.



Life went on, seizures haven't stopped, but a joy in the Lord is found.